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A friend sent me a text message that tells something about the things that encompasses a human life cycle. I find it very interesting because those things mentioned are the things that a human should surpass in order for them to have a meaningful life in their stay here on earth. Upon giving a thought on it, I can’t help myself but to become emotional.

The first one mentioned in the text message was the line “How much you loved?” As I refreshed the precedent experiences that I had been through, I asked my self, “How much love did I gave to those person who crossed in my life?” yeah indeed! The main purpose on why human existed is to love. Without love, everything is useless. We may love as many as we can but in the end, we will end up to one person. That person is the one whom we choose to be with until we reach the final stage of our life. Thinking about it is really a smile striking. Lucky are those who are destined to be with the one they really love and like and misery for those who are not meant for love.

For me, I’m happy with the people who gave me true love. Even the relationship that we had is only through text, I’m still happy that once in my life I experienced how to be treated like a princess. I gave the best thing that I could do just to make them feel that I am not just playing around. But in the end, I only gained pain. I just only faked my personality and identity in text. I pretended to be a girl. Having an effeminate voice, I never had hard time in making them believe that I am really a girl. We lasted several months. And during those months, they made me feel that I was loved. They even sent hand written letter on me. They also provided me a load everyday. They always checked if I’m ok and fine. Even in those little ways, I felt that I was loved.

With those feigning acts in a thespian stage, the drama should also end. In the end, I have to let them go. I have to set them free where they could go to a better place. Because somewhere beyond the horizon is waiting for them. They were just lent on me. I have no other option but to return them to someone who really owns them. Now tell me, how much did I love?

I don’t want to fool them; I just want to be loved even if everything is just pretensions and pretexts. Neither have I thought to hurt them. Before I let them go, I always try to see to it that they learned something from me. I’m just after to their happiness. The only thing that I want to retain in their minds is that I want them to remember that somehow in their life, somebody truly cared for them.

Upon typing these words right now, I can’t help myself but to cry. Why am I cursed? Why I can’t be happy? Why? Why? Why? I can’t even touch the face of the one I loved. I can’t even embrace him whenever I needed comfort. I never thought that I will be hurt like this. It may be painful, but I have to let go of things that I borrowed. I just only pray for their happiness. I wish that they will fulfill all their dreams to the girls that they deserved. My dream of having a family is very elusive. It is like reaching out for something which is impossible. No matter how you tiptoe or pile yourself on a mountain of boxes, you’ll never reach it.

All the dreams that we shared are too impossible to put into actuation. Upon relaying their dreams on me, I just only felt pain inside. It is because I know for a fact that those dreams will just remain as a dream and it will never come. I love them but I need to let them fly away.

The second one that we must traverse in this life is the inquisition, “How much we lived?”Ever since I was a kid, I never become happy. I was born poor. I never have a happy family. Sometimes I got envy with the other children have. Sometimes I like to cover my ears. I don’t want to hear the things that they say against my family. They, who keep on devastating our reputation, have no idea how much I am affected. Until now, I carry those things. Living for me is nonsense stuff. In my journey, I just only fight alone. Solitude is my best friend against them. I just only cry when no one is around. My live is meaningless.

When I was in high school, I was sent by my parents to a catholic school. In Pangasinan, that school is considered as the school for the elitists. I excelled academically, but financially, I was left behind. Every lunch time, I ate together with my classmates. They always teased the ‘baon’ that I had. According to them, the size of my viand is very little compared to my rice. I was offended because the minimal ‘baon’ that I had is the best ‘baon’ that my family could give to me.

Another harrowing story of my life was when I lost my money. The money that was given to me that time was barely sufficient for my transportation allowance. I was not given ‘extra’ money because I always bring rice with viand. I have nothing in my pocket. Our house is a mile away from our school. It would be impossible to reach our home by means of ambling only. The good thing was that I saw my neighbor who is a tricycle driver. I pleaded him to give me a ride and compromised him that I’ll pay him as I reached our home. He agreed. He also had passengers that time that’s why I decided to slumped on the tricycle’s flooring.

I could still remember the time that my shoe peeled off from its rubber. I was really embarrassed because most of people stared at me. I just only smiled. That was our recognition day where I was declared over all rank 2. My best friend that time offered her pins to somehow pin the portion of my damaged shoe.

In the roads of our life, we need to “gracefully let go of things not meant for you”. I did this a lot of times. Tears and agony are the only marks left in my heart. My heart is totally scathed. Letting go means emancipating the things which only gives you burden. I won’t talk more about this because I already mentioned in my preceding paragraph how I let go of the ones that I loved.

In this sphere where people inhabited, happiness is hard to seek. In my condition, I don’t know how I am going to be happy. I just wish that I did not exist in this world. They said that being part of the ‘third sex’ is an impious to God. I also don’t know why I acted like this. Deep inside I am girlish. I possessed the emotions that I girl should have. I just wish that I never became like this. If I were only a straight guy, I will never experience this severe pain. For me, success is not the thing that can make me happy. I just only live in this world for my family. They are the reason why I still go on. They are the one whom I dedicated all my efforts.

Sometimes, I’m thinking of my own death. Death is an insignia of deafening noise’s cessation of this world. It will silence the ear breaking life. But it is not yet the right time for me to die. I still have to make my family happy. Even though I will never be happy, it is enough for me to see them smiling.

“Masaya akong makitang masaya ang mga taong mahal ko”

But despite of this, I know that the systems of this world are about to tick off. And when that time comes, my tears from my eyes will be wiped. No more tears will fall from it. I still have to bear the test of life. I need to remain strong. I’m inspired with Aya had said “live on forever” and “ayos lang na madapa ka, pu-pwede ka pa namang tumayo”

I will not let myself be eaten by these ogres. Jehova is still there for me! Mahal niya ako at di niya ako pababayaan!

“Go Aljon Kaya mo yan!” it is stupidity to think that you will be defeated by this trials. Always think that there are still a lot of onuses that will come along your way. Gogogo!

Lines from the people I once loved!

“malakas ka, para kang si DADA, hindi ka matatalo, wag ka ng madepressed ha?”

-Leonardo Melendes

“Tira! Tira! Kaya mo yan! Ikaw pa! wala yatang tatalo sayo!”

-Joel Sison

“believe nga ako sayo, ang galing galing mo! Lagi nga kitang pinagmamalaki sa mga kaibigan ko kasi ang talino mo, malayo mararating mo!”

-Siamor Gitanes

“my princess, nandito lang ang knight mo, kaya wag ka ng umiyak”

-Genesis Daliwan

“bhe, wag ka ng umiyak, papalitan ko yung nawala sayo promise”

-Jerry Gabule

I thank all of these guys! I promise to stop my illusions and face the reality! Pangako…

The seemingly unending strong downpour of rainfall last Saturday brought the whole metro submerged in floodwater. It is best described as tumultuous for the majority of the people who were affected. This strange phenomenon is one of the worst ever recorded blizzard for the past 42 years. I personally was astounded upon hearing that the most popular supermalls equipped with sophisticated drainage systems were also drenched with floods. Moreover, people inevitably concluded that this disastrous event was the result of the continuous nature maltreatment by us.

I thought it was a perfect day to do my outdoor stuffs but erringly thought it was. When I left our home, I just only brought a small umbrella. Thinking that it was enough to provide me a shade against the rain, I ventured to proceed to my plans. That day, typhoon Odoy’s ravage was still weak that’s why I obstinately followed what I wanted to do. I was on my halfway going to my destination when the wind suddenly blew hard and the rain poured so hard. It was like a small pebbles falling on my umbrella. Having the irritated feeling because my short got wet because of the rain, I still proceeded to amble down the street.

My primary purpose was to go to the computer shop and to check my online accounts. One would say that it is a stupidity to go out on that weather. While sitting on the computer shop, I noticed that the airconditioner was on. I was really shivering because of the chilly sensation. The owner of the shop did not even bother to lower the temperature of the aircon. I felt that my fingers were numb that time. It seemed like I was frozen in a frigider inside. I decided to eject myself to that shop and go home. I stayed first on the shop’s shed because of the rain that was simultaneously joined by te strong wind.

I can no longer bear the coldness that time that is why I decided to take a tricycle to reach home in a shortest possible time. Upon arriving to our house, I was shocked that the flood had invaded the whole space of my room. I helped my brother to elevate our things and fortunately, I was able to save all of my stuffs. Thanks God! But the chaos did not stop there. I and my tita were traumatized upon seeing that the water level was rising. Thinking that the flood might reach our elevated flooring, we urged my brother and cousin to fix the clogged drainage.

That afternoon, we all slumped into the sala to watch the latest news. We were really shocked that some of the metro suffered from severe flood condition. Some places were deep-chest flood and in some part of Marikina, the flood almost reached the ceiling of the 2 storey houses. We were still lucky because the flood in our area was just an ankle-deep.

At night, I drifted to sleep on my makeshift bed. I wasn’t able to sleep well because of the uneasiness that I felt. Add my worries for my family and friends who were living on the other places. Atlas after a day of panic, we all helped each other to put things back into their shapes and proper places. I even annoyed my brother because I’m just gaping on one nook and doing nothing while he did the general cleaning.

Hew! Atlast the typhoon is now on its way to leave the portal of Philippine archipelago and once it passes out of the Philippine area of responsibility, the weather will be fine again. I just only felt sorry for those who had succumbed fatally due to the typhoon. That Ondoy has left a painful mark that will reminds us not to continuously devastate the nature.

I realized that human technology seems futile when Mother Nature strikes her chagrin. Lesson is what we all got. Some people experienced severe losses but someday, I believe that those losses will be paid off. Just believe. Never give up. Remember, tranquil ambience never makes an adept person like you

To let go is the hardest part. Especially when your mind doesn’t want to leave but the destiny necessitated you to do so. It is like having an exile from your country land to navigate to a realm where you will start your life all over again. Upon stepping away, you can’t withstand not to look back. Then your tears will spontaneously stream from your puffy eyes and relish the happy moments that you spent. But kismet mandates us to move forward. It may be inflicting in your heart to depart but you have to go and learn. Life isn’t always sweetness. Sometimes, we have to face its counterpart, which is bitterness. Learning does not only take place inside the classroom but also with the bruises that we got from the outer dimension of reality.

When it comes to love, people do have diverse opinions. Commonly, people would advise you to go on and never loosen your grip to someone whom you love so much. In that scenario, people become cynical. Isn’t love a selfless act? not a selfish deed? In a positive manner, holding on means fighting for someone. To fight and show valor are greatness. But how long do you have to clutch? How long could you stand the pain? Sometimes compelling your self to someone is a bad idea. When we love, we usually sacrifice all the things that we have. Sometimes, we even lower our ego and leave nothing to our self. Isn’t it ironic that we could love others up to the extent of what we can and yet we can’t even spare our selves a little love? It’s a sort of foolishness.

Sometimes, letting go of someone we love isn’t cowardice. It is a mightiest thing that a person could do for he could bear the pain of loosing the one he loves. We may be scathed for executing a very hard decision but we must be happy for the person whom we set free. It is like taking care of a little plant. No matter how assiduous we are in giving the thing that it needs just to live, still we have to let it alone for it to grow and glow. Where it could dance in the rhythm of the zephyr. Where the loving heat of the sunlight could caress it. Where the rainwater could kiss it. To love is to sacrifice.

When we love, we are only after to the happiness of the person whom we dedicate our passion. If we sense that we do not deserve the love that he is catering to us, then it’s time for us to think deeply. Sometimes we have to let go a person because we love him so much. Surrendering doesn’t mean that you gave up your love for him but an indication tat you don’t want to hurt the person anymore. He may not understand your real reason, but God knows that you only want him to feel better.

You can cry if you want but never defy loosing your confidence. Life is a good mentor and a learning experience. In every moment that transpires in our life, we learn something. Learning may take several failures for us to master life’s test. At the end, it is us who will make a choice. It is either to go on with our fight or to put your hands up. Moreover, this world entails a lot of mysteries and surprises. Letting go doesn’t cease your happiness but and insignia that another day is yet to be faced. Live on and take the risk. You still have to trek a long road.

            Condemning stares from those people who knew nothing but to scoff and degrade their fellow, the best way to retaliate to those “unwanted” people is to set up juggernaut for you to be feared. At this moment, I am carried away by the mellow tune of 1 Liter of Tears Instrumental theme. I don’t care if I’m listening to it over and over again. It’s my penchant. I don’t entertain intruders…. Waaaah I can’t say anything at this point, I’m not in mood in making my emotional essays, in a short patois, I’m still idle… hehee till here muna next tym ulit mga doodz

     It’s been 19 years of mess! Nothing changes ever since. Everything is still the same. Nothing has yielded towards progress mobility. I’m still the same bashful Aljon who concealed himself from the condemning remarks of his critics.

     Everybody may draw out conclusions that I’m lucky for everything that I have. But they are wrong. Nothing is to be blithe in this life. Living in this body is like living on a curse that can’t be recuperated. People may think that I have an idiosyncratic idea towards life. Yeah I do have! My eyes streamed too much tears. I’m tired of living. I’m satiated with the usual thing that I see and do.

     I messed up a lot of things. In retrospect, I wish I could turn back the time to calm these inveighing emotions and for me to live in placidity. I made a lot of mistakes. I feigned, thwarted and fooled a lot of people. I guess I’m really demented. Am I cynical? I just want to be happy even for a moment. Vehemence reigns supreme in my self. I view my self as a miserable individual whose worth can be compared to a single centavo. I can’t argue with that because it is the reality that I must welcome. My existence is accompanied by a lot of jinxes. Maybe my birth is really a mistake.

     People always try to find faults on me. They always dreamed of seeing my downfall. I’m too desperate. I envied those people who are enjoying their desiderated ambitions. How I wish I could also be happy just like them. Will I still experience a sweet embrace and gentle caress of someone I love? Of course not! I won’t aspire for the things that I could not reach. Reaching out for your dreams is not as simple as ABC. It’s not simply extending your hand and grabbing the opportunity. Sometimes you need to tiptoe or the worse, you need to top your self on elevated area just for you to easily grip on that thing. Full of effort? yeah.

     Ever since, I’m not an organized person. That is why I end up in turmoil. For nineteen years of my life, I can’t recall a single moment that I became organized. I usually pass my task to others and the credits usually reverberate on me. I never felt any guilt with that. Neither had I felt resentment. I can’t blame my self because life is my pedagogue for being a cruel one. I’d been to a lot of hurdles before and I win over them, ALONE. I don’t care what other people will say about me. I’m already accustomed being gossiped. Why would I still pay heed to them? Isn’t it true that my family has a very unsavory reputation? Why should I contradict them? Because of shame, I am already deprived with the rights to speak up for my self. It’s worthless to defend yourself from people who hear nothing but themselves.

     How I wish I could emancipate to a realm which is unmanned where the only settler is me. Where there are no people who will hurt and scoff you. I curse my existence! Sometimes the idea that my birth is a sheer accident crosses my mind. I don’t want this life. I’m destined to be alone. Sooner, the people whom I used to get along with will also leave me. At this point, I have no resort but to program myself on how it feels being alone so that when the time comes that they will all leave me, it wouldn’t be that painful.

     What am I going to do? I believe that I should train my self on how to step and adjust on minor changes for me not to experience too much hardship soon. And from this point, I’m officially bidding adieu to my old self. Tomorrow, I’ll face life with a lot of changes. I can’t compromise that I could change my routine in an instant but I will strive crucial efforts just to accomplish this pledge. I can do this!!!

        Jehova, though I always fail to follow and talk to you regularly, I’m still thankful for not neglecting me. You’ve been always there fro me. I love you so much though I did nothing to show it. I’m sorry for being a sinister. I know that my apology will not be enough to obliterate those unwanted actions that I did, but I want you to know that I’m sincere. You are my real and living God! You deserve my highest respect and compliment. Help me. Please don’t let me get strayed on the path that I’m taking. I confide everything on you.

        Okey, that is how I end my blog for this day. It feels so good to release all your rants on this space of the internet sphere. Babayu

                                                          -Aljon G. Yap

haist..,. as the dawn breaks the expanse of darkness… ordeals unfold their wings and hover around to whip s frail heart…

just like what i suffering right now…

it’s too hard to bear responsibilities… but i have no other option!!!

will ever emancipate from his?

cateres parebus?!!

one of the greatest thing that happened in my life’s history was when i became part of this section. being section 1 means that you should excel in everything both in academics or in any social competitions.

despite of the pain that i obtained bacause real friends are hard to find in this section, im still hapopy to be part of it

my feet is half fallen, the pieces of the stones starts falling. the wind gently dance with me. a realm only sought in a reverie. in that perfect place, i planned to emancipate my onus that keeps on trying to put me down. i thwarted myself million of times. the wind blows more.. i close my eyes, then all of a sudden i find myself floating in the aerial ambience, swiftly falling down.

a perfect suicide attemt……… my cowardice………..

is it because im lacking of faith?

or i am just feeling too much guilt about the person i thwarted and fooled?

or i am just  having mental ilness? hehehe joke lang

im perplexed