It’s been 19 years of mess! Nothing changes ever since. Everything is still the same. Nothing has yielded towards progress mobility. I’m still the same bashful Aljon who concealed himself from the condemning remarks of his critics.
Everybody may draw out conclusions that I’m lucky for everything that I have. But they are wrong. Nothing is to be blithe in this life. Living in this body is like living on a curse that can’t be recuperated. People may think that I have an idiosyncratic idea towards life. Yeah I do have! My eyes streamed too much tears. I’m tired of living. I’m satiated with the usual thing that I see and do.
I messed up a lot of things. In retrospect, I wish I could turn back the time to calm these inveighing emotions and for me to live in placidity. I made a lot of mistakes. I feigned, thwarted and fooled a lot of people. I guess I’m really demented. Am I cynical? I just want to be happy even for a moment. Vehemence reigns supreme in my self. I view my self as a miserable individual whose worth can be compared to a single centavo. I can’t argue with that because it is the reality that I must welcome. My existence is accompanied by a lot of jinxes. Maybe my birth is really a mistake.
People always try to find faults on me. They always dreamed of seeing my downfall. I’m too desperate. I envied those people who are enjoying their desiderated ambitions. How I wish I could also be happy just like them. Will I still experience a sweet embrace and gentle caress of someone I love? Of course not! I won’t aspire for the things that I could not reach. Reaching out for your dreams is not as simple as ABC. It’s not simply extending your hand and grabbing the opportunity. Sometimes you need to tiptoe or the worse, you need to top your self on elevated area just for you to easily grip on that thing. Full of effort? yeah.
Ever since, I’m not an organized person. That is why I end up in turmoil. For nineteen years of my life, I can’t recall a single moment that I became organized. I usually pass my task to others and the credits usually reverberate on me. I never felt any guilt with that. Neither had I felt resentment. I can’t blame my self because life is my pedagogue for being a cruel one. I’d been to a lot of hurdles before and I win over them, ALONE. I don’t care what other people will say about me. I’m already accustomed being gossiped. Why would I still pay heed to them? Isn’t it true that my family has a very unsavory reputation? Why should I contradict them? Because of shame, I am already deprived with the rights to speak up for my self. It’s worthless to defend yourself from people who hear nothing but themselves.
How I wish I could emancipate to a realm which is unmanned where the only settler is me. Where there are no people who will hurt and scoff you. I curse my existence! Sometimes the idea that my birth is a sheer accident crosses my mind. I don’t want this life. I’m destined to be alone. Sooner, the people whom I used to get along with will also leave me. At this point, I have no resort but to program myself on how it feels being alone so that when the time comes that they will all leave me, it wouldn’t be that painful.
What am I going to do? I believe that I should train my self on how to step and adjust on minor changes for me not to experience too much hardship soon. And from this point, I’m officially bidding adieu to my old self. Tomorrow, I’ll face life with a lot of changes. I can’t compromise that I could change my routine in an instant but I will strive crucial efforts just to accomplish this pledge. I can do this!!!
Jehova, though I always fail to follow and talk to you regularly, I’m still thankful for not neglecting me. You’ve been always there fro me. I love you so much though I did nothing to show it. I’m sorry for being a sinister. I know that my apology will not be enough to obliterate those unwanted actions that I did, but I want you to know that I’m sincere. You are my real and living God! You deserve my highest respect and compliment. Help me. Please don’t let me get strayed on the path that I’m taking. I confide everything on you.
Okey, that is how I end my blog for this day. It feels so good to release all your rants on this space of the internet sphere. Babayu
-Aljon G. Yap
