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A friend sent me a text message that tells something about the things that encompasses a human life cycle. I find it very interesting because those things mentioned are the things that a human should surpass in order for them to have a meaningful life in their stay here on earth. Upon giving a thought on it, I can’t help myself but to become emotional.

The first one mentioned in the text message was the line “How much you loved?” As I refreshed the precedent experiences that I had been through, I asked my self, “How much love did I gave to those person who crossed in my life?” yeah indeed! The main purpose on why human existed is to love. Without love, everything is useless. We may love as many as we can but in the end, we will end up to one person. That person is the one whom we choose to be with until we reach the final stage of our life. Thinking about it is really a smile striking. Lucky are those who are destined to be with the one they really love and like and misery for those who are not meant for love.

For me, I’m happy with the people who gave me true love. Even the relationship that we had is only through text, I’m still happy that once in my life I experienced how to be treated like a princess. I gave the best thing that I could do just to make them feel that I am not just playing around. But in the end, I only gained pain. I just only faked my personality and identity in text. I pretended to be a girl. Having an effeminate voice, I never had hard time in making them believe that I am really a girl. We lasted several months. And during those months, they made me feel that I was loved. They even sent hand written letter on me. They also provided me a load everyday. They always checked if I’m ok and fine. Even in those little ways, I felt that I was loved.

With those feigning acts in a thespian stage, the drama should also end. In the end, I have to let them go. I have to set them free where they could go to a better place. Because somewhere beyond the horizon is waiting for them. They were just lent on me. I have no other option but to return them to someone who really owns them. Now tell me, how much did I love?

I don’t want to fool them; I just want to be loved even if everything is just pretensions and pretexts. Neither have I thought to hurt them. Before I let them go, I always try to see to it that they learned something from me. I’m just after to their happiness. The only thing that I want to retain in their minds is that I want them to remember that somehow in their life, somebody truly cared for them.

Upon typing these words right now, I can’t help myself but to cry. Why am I cursed? Why I can’t be happy? Why? Why? Why? I can’t even touch the face of the one I loved. I can’t even embrace him whenever I needed comfort. I never thought that I will be hurt like this. It may be painful, but I have to let go of things that I borrowed. I just only pray for their happiness. I wish that they will fulfill all their dreams to the girls that they deserved. My dream of having a family is very elusive. It is like reaching out for something which is impossible. No matter how you tiptoe or pile yourself on a mountain of boxes, you’ll never reach it.

All the dreams that we shared are too impossible to put into actuation. Upon relaying their dreams on me, I just only felt pain inside. It is because I know for a fact that those dreams will just remain as a dream and it will never come. I love them but I need to let them fly away.

The second one that we must traverse in this life is the inquisition, “How much we lived?”Ever since I was a kid, I never become happy. I was born poor. I never have a happy family. Sometimes I got envy with the other children have. Sometimes I like to cover my ears. I don’t want to hear the things that they say against my family. They, who keep on devastating our reputation, have no idea how much I am affected. Until now, I carry those things. Living for me is nonsense stuff. In my journey, I just only fight alone. Solitude is my best friend against them. I just only cry when no one is around. My live is meaningless.

When I was in high school, I was sent by my parents to a catholic school. In Pangasinan, that school is considered as the school for the elitists. I excelled academically, but financially, I was left behind. Every lunch time, I ate together with my classmates. They always teased the ‘baon’ that I had. According to them, the size of my viand is very little compared to my rice. I was offended because the minimal ‘baon’ that I had is the best ‘baon’ that my family could give to me.

Another harrowing story of my life was when I lost my money. The money that was given to me that time was barely sufficient for my transportation allowance. I was not given ‘extra’ money because I always bring rice with viand. I have nothing in my pocket. Our house is a mile away from our school. It would be impossible to reach our home by means of ambling only. The good thing was that I saw my neighbor who is a tricycle driver. I pleaded him to give me a ride and compromised him that I’ll pay him as I reached our home. He agreed. He also had passengers that time that’s why I decided to slumped on the tricycle’s flooring.

I could still remember the time that my shoe peeled off from its rubber. I was really embarrassed because most of people stared at me. I just only smiled. That was our recognition day where I was declared over all rank 2. My best friend that time offered her pins to somehow pin the portion of my damaged shoe.

In the roads of our life, we need to “gracefully let go of things not meant for you”. I did this a lot of times. Tears and agony are the only marks left in my heart. My heart is totally scathed. Letting go means emancipating the things which only gives you burden. I won’t talk more about this because I already mentioned in my preceding paragraph how I let go of the ones that I loved.

In this sphere where people inhabited, happiness is hard to seek. In my condition, I don’t know how I am going to be happy. I just wish that I did not exist in this world. They said that being part of the ‘third sex’ is an impious to God. I also don’t know why I acted like this. Deep inside I am girlish. I possessed the emotions that I girl should have. I just wish that I never became like this. If I were only a straight guy, I will never experience this severe pain. For me, success is not the thing that can make me happy. I just only live in this world for my family. They are the reason why I still go on. They are the one whom I dedicated all my efforts.

Sometimes, I’m thinking of my own death. Death is an insignia of deafening noise’s cessation of this world. It will silence the ear breaking life. But it is not yet the right time for me to die. I still have to make my family happy. Even though I will never be happy, it is enough for me to see them smiling.

“Masaya akong makitang masaya ang mga taong mahal ko”

But despite of this, I know that the systems of this world are about to tick off. And when that time comes, my tears from my eyes will be wiped. No more tears will fall from it. I still have to bear the test of life. I need to remain strong. I’m inspired with Aya had said “live on forever” and “ayos lang na madapa ka, pu-pwede ka pa namang tumayo”

I will not let myself be eaten by these ogres. Jehova is still there for me! Mahal niya ako at di niya ako pababayaan!

“Go Aljon Kaya mo yan!” it is stupidity to think that you will be defeated by this trials. Always think that there are still a lot of onuses that will come along your way. Gogogo!

Lines from the people I once loved!

“malakas ka, para kang si DADA, hindi ka matatalo, wag ka ng madepressed ha?”

-Leonardo Melendes

“Tira! Tira! Kaya mo yan! Ikaw pa! wala yatang tatalo sayo!”

-Joel Sison

“believe nga ako sayo, ang galing galing mo! Lagi nga kitang pinagmamalaki sa mga kaibigan ko kasi ang talino mo, malayo mararating mo!”

-Siamor Gitanes

“my princess, nandito lang ang knight mo, kaya wag ka ng umiyak”

-Genesis Daliwan

“bhe, wag ka ng umiyak, papalitan ko yung nawala sayo promise”

-Jerry Gabule

I thank all of these guys! I promise to stop my illusions and face the reality! Pangako…